Life blanketed by depression

Apologies for de lack of updates.. Been either too depressed or tired to write.

Am in train now on my way home.. Wonder why my mood swings so fast.. ONe moment i'm elated, de next i'm deflated.. Sigh..

Went out wif colleagues for dinner @ sakura @ orchard shopping center today.. Was still very upbeat tis morn n noon, doing last min shopping n wrapping gifts.. Was still ok during de dinner itself..

But all changed after dinner.. Wonder why we became tis way.. "i've ppl whom i cant afford to let down"... A simple sentence yet a deep deep hurt to me.. I've tried putting on a brave front but it all falls apart, as de nite nears..

Almost driven to tears a couple of time, but managed to hold it back.. Juz barely.. Went photo taking after dinner. Tried to ignore de overwhelming sadness but it became too much to bear, as de nite draws to an end.

Acc "Sim" to wait for cab near somerset mrt. After tat decided to walk to doby ghaut to take train..

Walking down de
street, a cigarette in hand, drinking a bottle of mini white wine, jacob creeks chardonnay which i bought fr 7-11.. Looking at de xmas lightings..

Nothing fills me, wif onli loneliness n sadness for company.. Feel like walking all de way home, wif de icy wind blowing in face.. Too bad i stay too far away.. Admiring de ppl ard me, in groups wif frens, or couples admiring n soaking in xmas mood..

So why do i feel so alienated? I dunno.. I haf so much troubles to pour out, but noone to confide in.. There is too many dark secrets in my life.. Sometime i feel blessed, sometime i juz feel so awful tat i wished i can juz die.. Maybe "he" will feel sorry n regretful.. Ya rite. Fat hope.

I missed my BFF, who is in US now. Missed my clubbing mate, who can acc me go club n drown my sorrows n pain.
Most of all, i miss him-someone who totally digs, loves, adores, pampers, dotes on me n vice versa.

Doubt tat i can meet someone like this in this life, awful life of
mine. Of 100 guys, 3 are good men, of which 1 is attached/unavailable, 1 is gay n de last one is dead. Wish i'm immune n dead to all these negativities..