Self Mutilation

Self Mutilation = Salvation?

I like pain. Phyiscal Pain. It's much more bearable than Emotional Pain. Having de physical pain will elevate my heart pain. Stupid.

Back to my old lifestyle. Doing the stress releasing thing. The way i like it. Physical pain is good. At least it distracts u from de heart pain.

Been spending money like no one business. Soon-to-be bankrupt.

I didnt nOe tat we are in a relationship for 1.5 weeks. Were we? Funny.

Nonsensical. Dumb. Idiotic. Dumd. Played out. As always. I must.not.be.so.stupid.anymore. Hope so.

IgnOre my ranting. Effect of eating no dinner. Drinking 1.5 glass of hoegarden. 1 pint. Plus 300ml of Sake. No dinner = diet = slim = no more being fooled.
Sad. Dying. Help.

Feeling sick..

I keep sneezing for the past 15 minutes... Is there some virus? I dunno... Was on leave (again) today (14 Jan 09 - Wednesday)... Been feeling reali unmotivated & tired.. Dun feel like going to work... Sigh... Wat is wrong wif me?

Have been spending a lot on drinks + cab recently.. Went drinking @ She Bang last nite wif MingHua & Wei Yu.. .Drink till closing time den went back... By the time i reached home oredi 4am le... So is no wonder that I am on leave again today.. But is good la... Cos supposed to go for an interview + school today..

My interview is @ People Association, interviewing for the post of "Community Development Executive", the JD mainly consist of providing admin + customer service support to the Constittuency Office....

Supposed to fill up the application form & bring it wif me to the interview.. As there is no printer @ home, saved the document in my thumbdrive & bring it to the photo development shop (FujiFilm) @ sEMBAWANG MRT to print it.. Wah.. is super expensive!!! $3 for the 1st page & $1 for subsequent pages.. Spent $7 printing 5 pieces of paper.. -_-"

Running late, so took a cab from home to Stadium Link.. The cab fare costs $15 in total... The interview is held @ PA HQ, which is @ Kallang.. Was late for 10 minutes (interview supposed to be @ 350pm).. The interview consists of 2 segments: 1st is a role play (whereby I am to be the CDE, providing assistance to a walk in customer to the CC). I tink i totally suck @ it, mainly cos i gOt no time to prepare myself... The 2nd part is the actual interview whereby there are 4 interviewers in total.. They are quite frenly ba... But dun think i will take up the job if i am shortlisted because: 1) Muz work shift work (9am to 6pm or 1pm to 10pm) & i cannot do so as i need to study 2) The salary offered will be less than my current take home pay (as informed by their HR officer)

So see how it goes ba~ But is reali a valuable experience ba~ After tat, i went down to PLO to visit my colleagues... Nua there till 645pm den leave.. And my school is supposed to start @ 645pm -_-"

Took bus 51 from paya lebar to Hougang & onli managed to reach the school @ 8pm.. Super duper late... Today's class is on Total Quality Management (TQM).. Went thru the course notes & then after tat haf a group discussion + presentation on a case study.. So far so good for thsis module, mainly cos i've done this before during my poly days..

After the class ended, haf a short meeting wif my group mate to discuss on our group assignment.. Will be having our 1st meet up this Sunday @ 3pm @ NLB... Will be having my driving lesson from 1pm to 3pm.. Den haf to rush over.. Stressed....

Took bus 161 to woodlands den change to MRt.. Reached home onli @ 1130pm... Very tired.. Den for Fri class on "leadership", lecturer gave us some homework to do.. Need to submit by tmr... So stressed... Haven reali started on it yet.. Sigh..

Feeling rather depressed... Havent heard from "him" for 2 days le... Sms him a few times & called him.. No replies nor answering calls... Sigh... Give up....

Anyway..The BF juz made me pissed off wif his sms again.. Ask me to "pls mind my words" & "not to be too ungrateful." WTF! What haf i done again! So pissed off wif all these accusations! Not going to reply hiM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More updates on the past few days tmr, after i finished my class assignment ba... Going to sleep now...

Lost my camera on Friday nite~

I'm like super sad loh~ Cos i lost my Pentax Camera!!! i JUZ finished paying the installment lo... sian sia.....

On Friday, went to Bugis Village to meet Grace after work @ 715pm. Went to put fake nails cos she was doing manicure @ one of the shop call Venus so i "hiao hiao" went to put~ Now got problem typing & sms & take money & card from my wallet -_-" Anyway. I spent $24.90 for the fake nails - $11 for the nails & $13.90 for service charge - i.e. de manicurist put for me. quite nice ba, few frens complimented. but damn torture loh~ worst is i cannot take it out now - waste of money! so haf to endure typing slowly for 2 weeks. hope i dun get any infection~

After tat went to a shop selling fake eyelashes & they provide free service to help u put it on~ think i kana "docked"~ spent $110+ in the shop, buying 2 pairs of lashes, a glue remover, a glue cum mascara, 2 liquid eye shadow + an eye mask... diao rite..

Anyway the sales ger put the lash for me but think not very good leh...falling off so took it off in the end...

Arranged to meet up wif my ex staff (Alex) yesterday... Very qiao loh..he jio me go drink @ Boat Quay -- She Bangs Pub. Which is where Amy is working @. He noes her as well... Supposed to meet him @ 8pm but onli reached there @ 9pm...went down wif Grace.. Opened a bottle of martell after much pressuring from Amy.. $169! -_-" started drinking a an empty stomach.. Alex den ordered some finger food for me (sweet wor~) when he heard tat I haven eat.. Very nice food~ bY THE time Minghua came i oredi half drunk le.. Started pouring out some sorrow to her (kinda regret now le -_-" cos supposed to be a secret de...) anyway.. left the pub @ 11plus.. Minghua took cab & sent me home... Minghua & Alex supposed to take care of my bag. but dunno why.. my camera was missing by the time i reached home.. sigh.. lately so suay... keep losing thing... Anyway i haf been meaning to change camera..but thing is.. lots of photo taken recently haven upload to my pc... now tat it's lost.. Sigh.. Very sad..

Anyway met Alex when i reached home.. Cos he oso stays sembawang... anyway some things.. cannot share in my blog... cos many ppl read my blog now ^_^

Sad Sunday..

Slept @ 8am this morning & woke up @ 1pm.. juz 5 hours of sleep.. not enuf.. but somehow i cant seem to sleep peacefully.. Woke up & surfed net.. Continued making my xmas cards...

Last nite i sms to him, asking him if he feels there is anything wrong wif our relationship.. This morning, he replied:

Him: go think about it & you tell me wat u did wrong

Me: I am asking YOU wat you think & if you may, wat did i do wrong?

Him: We lack of communication, i dunnoe wat u are thinking. Self center.

Me: ??? In wat way am i self centered?

Him: Do things you feel like it. Go restaurant but usually I am the one who is paying. I am not rich. Can go out yourself but not me. I give u room so via verse i want it.

Me: All along i've been doing things carefully, not wanting to hurt your feelings. Dun think i've ever restricted ur movements. All i asked for was juz an sms from you, telling me u're going out & where to. is tat reali too much to ask for?

Me: I've never seen you as being rich, not from the way you've been acting, dun seem like a rich person to me anyway.

Me: Ever wondered why i look so unhappy when we're together? ask urself abt wat u've said. I cant stand the way u talk @ times. Hurting & insensitive. I juz wan to ask u answer me something very frankly. Ask urself this: Do u reali love me or issit cos u r old & juz wan to find someone to get married & settle down? Cos tat is wat some of my frens haf been telling me.

Me: I felt tat you haf changed..from the day we started till now, u haf changed..

Me: And pls dun make me out to be so materialistic & as if i'm wif u for money. If tat being the case, I would not haf been so stupid as to spend money buying gifts, things which are not cheap either.

Him: I still love you.

Him: Let start again. I still love you. I am on project presentation so my emotion will swing. Dont be angry.
---------------------------------End-------------------------------------------------

Did not reply him, after his last sms to me.. Dunno wat to reply.
Wat haf i gotten myself into? Self-centered? Me? Despite putting in much effort, all i get is accusations, due to his "emotion swing"?

To put the record straight, I din always ask to go to restaurants & i've paid for our meal before (maybe not as many times as he did but still, I think i've paid for at least 30% - 40% of the times)... I've lowered my expectations of him oredi, as compared to before.. So am I still expecting too much?

Is it too much to expect your bf to:
1) pay for most of meals?
2) sms you his whereabouts?
3) call you at least once every one or two days, juz to chat?
4) dote on you, shower u wif care & concerns?
5) be sensitive to ur needs & feelings?

Maybe i am too much, maybe everything is my fault..

Do i love him? Or is it out of loneliness, boredom tat I am wif him? Guess i should reali think about this..

A lot more that i wanna say but suddenly, i feel so weak & sick & tired.. I'll go seek solace wif my tequila now, if u may excuse me..

My mundane life so far..

Let's juz jot down wat i've been doing for de past few days, so tat i can take my mind off depressing stuff. Went to send off my BFF to airport last saturday. She was bound for US for a holiday. T

ook a cab from my place to hers to fetch her n proceeded to terminal 1. Reached there aBt 930. After she checked in her luggage, took some photos. Den went on to eat breakfast @ imperial treasure something restaurant, for some wanton n dumpling noodles.

By de time we're done n she boarded de plane, it's oredi ten thirty. Xiaoyi called to ask me go northpoint for lunch. So took 858 to yishun n reached at 1130.

Did some shopping-bought another pair of shoes n boots for myself @ "Be mine"-current fav shoe shop n öso bought 2 pairs of shoes for vinny. Total damage is $100+. Next bought a blouse for xiaoyi-$40. Bought some small gifts for xmas.

Xiaoyi bought 2 bras from young heart for me. We went to de jap-themed foodcourt for lunch. Nice food, no crowd. By den,
it's oredi 4plus. Feeling tired as i onli sleep for 5hrs or so.

Went home, leaving xiaoyi they all to continue shopping. Reached home, nua a while. Bf came to fetch me @ 6pm, to go jurong point for shopping n dinner.

It's "people mountain people sea", due to de newly opened extension. Did more shopping for xmas-bought something for "sim" n sam.

Went swenson for dinner. Quarrelled. Kinda. Went back his place. Sleep.

Life blanketed by depression

Apologies for de lack of updates.. Been either too depressed or tired to write.

Am in train now on my way home.. Wonder why my mood swings so fast.. ONe moment i'm elated, de next i'm deflated.. Sigh..

Went out wif colleagues for dinner @ sakura @ orchard shopping center today.. Was still very upbeat tis morn n noon, doing last min shopping n wrapping gifts.. Was still ok during de dinner itself..

But all changed after dinner.. Wonder why we became tis way.. "i've ppl whom i cant afford to let down"... A simple sentence yet a deep deep hurt to me.. I've tried putting on a brave front but it all falls apart, as de nite nears..

Almost driven to tears a couple of time, but managed to hold it back.. Juz barely.. Went photo taking after dinner. Tried to ignore de overwhelming sadness but it became too much to bear, as de nite draws to an end.

Acc "Sim" to wait for cab near somerset mrt. After tat decided to walk to doby ghaut to take train..

Walking down de
street, a cigarette in hand, drinking a bottle of mini white wine, jacob creeks chardonnay which i bought fr 7-11.. Looking at de xmas lightings..

Nothing fills me, wif onli loneliness n sadness for company.. Feel like walking all de way home, wif de icy wind blowing in face.. Too bad i stay too far away.. Admiring de ppl ard me, in groups wif frens, or couples admiring n soaking in xmas mood..

So why do i feel so alienated? I dunno.. I haf so much troubles to pour out, but noone to confide in.. There is too many dark secrets in my life.. Sometime i feel blessed, sometime i juz feel so awful tat i wished i can juz die.. Maybe "he" will feel sorry n regretful.. Ya rite. Fat hope.

I missed my BFF, who is in US now. Missed my clubbing mate, who can acc me go club n drown my sorrows n pain.
Most of all, i miss him-someone who totally digs, loves, adores, pampers, dotes on me n vice versa.

Doubt tat i can meet someone like this in this life, awful life of
mine. Of 100 guys, 3 are good men, of which 1 is attached/unavailable, 1 is gay n de last one is dead. Wish i'm immune n dead to all these negativities..

Sadness yet again...

What the fuck is wrong wif me?????????????????????????????

Having depression yet again!